I hate to say it, but recently, for the first time ever, I left a retreat genuinely disappointed. I had some things on my heart, chief among them being unhappiness with my job. These are things for which I usually feel uplift and consolation during retreats. This time, it was different, but not because of the things I was facing. My problem was with the attitude that this group, a charismatic one, held (or seemed to hold) about silent contemplative worship.
I’ll first identify myself as an introvert. They say that introverts want things to have a deeper meaning and are typically more in touch with the internal life. As a Catholic and an introvert, I want my worship to mean something to me. Paul said in his first letter to the Corinthians that we are many parts, but we are all one body. As such, it seems there is no right or wrong way to worship God as long as the focus is not lost, i.e., the worship is about God and not about the musicians, the speaker, etc. Note: This is not to suggest that “introverted” and “charismatic” are mutually exclusive, likewise for “extraverted” and “contemplative”.
At the beginning of the retreat, they made a brief presentation on why they pray the way they do. Why was it so distressing to me? Unless your worship of the one true God involves things like ritual mass suicide, doing drugs, terrorism, or sacrificing a virgin, you don’t need to defend yourself, at least not to me. Maybe it’s the Jesuit part of my education which calls students to be well-rounded people, or maybe it’s the aforementioned excerpt from Romans. I simply know that there are different ways of expressing love and devotion to God.
So, when a priest of all people compares silent worship to a “funeral parlor” or somehow thinks that I won’t be in a state of joy upon entering Eternal Life (as one did in an article that this group handed out), I take issue. The speaker’s tone and demeanor, which I interpreted as condescending and snarky, were also very upsetting. During a small group discussion, I mentioned having a joyful heart and soul in worship, but don’t express it in murmuring, passing out, or dancing. One of my small group leaders responded by saying that it’s a matter of choice (as if I’m supposed to feel bad that my joy is not physically or vocally demonstrated, which the priest in the aforementioned article also seemed to say).
A few movie examples
In defending their style of worship, they used this scene from The Count of Monte Cristo (the first 15-20 seconds of the video) to demonstrate being overcome with joy…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXQPKg7Tg60]
There is nothing wrong with this.
My reaction to freedom would be more similar to Gordon, Fox, and Alfred, but especially Robin at the end of The Dark Knight Rises, accepting the task at hand and moving forward…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvtJ_XC2bz8]
“Go therefore, and make disciples of all nations…”
Another great example would be from the movie In The Name Of The Father. A man has spent years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He was eventually released and determined to tell people the truth (The clip was not available on YouTube).
You’ve probably heard that “Jesus loves each of us as if there were only one of us”, right? Another accurate description is from Saving Private Ryan, after Private Ryan spends a lifetime wondering: “Was I worthy of this, for these men to die trying to save me?” Does any of this mean that I’m not joyful? Absolutely not! In fact, it means quite the opposite. It means that I would be so moved that I wouldn’t know what to do but to simply live. Maybe you’ve heard I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe: “Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you, Jesus, or in awe of you, be still?”; “Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?” The fact of the matter is that at Mass and in Adoration, we are in His presence.
A necessary comparison
To use a military example, let’s compare the training ground to the battlefield. The training ground is controlled and disciplined. New recruits are taught their military’s values, about heroes of old, respect for authority, and love for their nation. The battlefield is chaos. Now on the other side of the coin, new recruits are also at times encouraged to be loud and motivated in order to intimidate the enemy and foster a high esprit de corps.
If I am to glorify God in not only the way I worship, but the way I live, I need quiet reflection time whether it’s at Mass, in Adoration, or reading Scripture so I can better prepare to face a world that is chaotic and hostile towards Catholic beliefs. The Second Vatican Council stated that as long as the focus is not lost, any methods of worship, whether charismatic or not, are authorized.
My problem here is with the attitude of, “We don’t think you’re a bad person if you’re not into ‘active’ prayer. We just think you hate God.” I sincerely doubt that this was their attitude – at least I hope it wasn’t – but it was my interpretation. I know that there are many Scripture verses that encourage “loud” worship, which was how Jews during the time of Jesus’ earthly life prayed. However, I’m not a Jew of Jesus’ day. Again, does any of this mean that I’m not joyful of the sacrifice Our Lord made for us, for me? No. Further, do I think people who are into more vocal and active worship are wrong or that they’re freaks? No. My question is if we are to glorify God not only in worship, but in the way we live, how are our lives not themselves a form of worship?
We are many parts, but one body
So in the future, if I am praying but not dancing or clapping my hands, please let me be. I’m just as joyful as you. I’m not going to accuse you of being attention-seeking (I’ve heard people say that about charismatics before). Show me the same courtesy and don’t assume that I’m a fearful (“scared” fearful) mourner. If someone doesn’t approve of me simply sitting in awe of God’s glory, the problem is not with me. Again, we are many parts, but we are all one body.